Day 5... Dark day to Combe Martin

So what to say about this long day? I'd rather not write as it has been a difficult journey. I made the mistake of forgetting to charge my phone... and not much sun meant not much on the solar either so forgive the lack of photos. But this is probably also indicative of the mood of the day.

Stunning surroundings, wildlife and fresh air were mostly overlooked today as the enormity of my feelings threatened to overcome me. I had been concentrating on the logistics and the physical problems of the task and now the emotional and supiritual began to kick in as time and space stretched out.

I am only here because of the tragedy in my life.... and so alone. I have family, friends but their feelings on Jamal's loss are subjective. Many will have stopped grieving and remember fondly and regret his untimely death, so young...no more pain for they. They will have 'moved on'. Not so for those of us who shared his life, who miss him more every day because it is so long since we saw that smile, heard that silly laugh, felt that loving hug and just shared time and talked. All of us who are close to him, have our own journeys in grief and are learning to live our new lives as best we can and it is different for all of us. I can only speak for myself all said and done.

Me, my grief. 

My son... I created you, grew your body and carried you inside till you were strong enough to be in the world. I nurtured and fed you, helped you grow strong, nursed you and taught you as best I could. my first born and I loved every inch of you and wanted so much for you. To see you grow and help you overcome those childhood trials and tribulations. You had an unusual childhood but one full of excitement and wonder and you brought joy to so many people. Your friends looked to you, your teachers fell in love with your sunny nature. Nothing phased you and you amazed me continually.

I could not visualize a time you would not be there.

My world has fallen apart and I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I know two years have passed but emotionally it may as well be two minutes. I still can't believe you are gone.. I don't...I won't... there is no peace in that. And what is that all about??? Rest in Peace? that is for old people. That is for people who have had their time and lived a long and full life. Not for you, only at the beginning of your adult journey. Only starting your own little family. A light shining everywhere...don't shut it off please.............. 

I can wail here on the path where I am alone, I can shout and stamp my feet and cry bitter tears to the universe. It is not fair!! Why?

I can hear you answer that one - Why not?

Because it's not your turn yet...

It seems it is...

Death, that great unknown...it should've been me. I have had so many near misses why not me?...

Not your time... but I'll be waiting ...

I could come now, there is only a couple of feet between me and that final journey. I could do it now...

You know you can't. I am in you. Live for me. I am there...

How am I even here? Living this life that is only a shadow of a life. Living this constant pain. Confusion. Misery. It is a continual fight every day to keep going. Developing ways to keep in control so life can continue. I have a heartshaped cave in my head that I try to keep you in whilst I do the day to day, just so I can cope. There are many layers to my cave and many tunnels lead there, Sometimes I stumble down one by accident when I let down my guard and the dripping of the stalagtites is the tears running down my cheeks. Sometimes I encounter one that is like a chute that sends me hurtling into the depths, to your arms and my despair. I tiptoe round my cave in the day to day, I try to keep it for the times I am able. I dance around the periphery and up and down the tunnels, putting a toe in the cave and out, peeking around the corner, touching briefly and retreating but always coming back to submerge and embrace and feel that all encompassing pain and it is. When I am there there is nothing else... Me and You and grief. That will never end, never should, never can...

This is my day today, so many thoughts in my mind, so many emotions playing a part but I plod on - left, right, up, down, rest a little. Collar bones hurt from the pack, knees ache a bit. It's ok this physical pain, easier to cope with.

So, a dark day to Combe Martin and many hours spent in this kind of contemplation. I was tired and ready to give up and go home, when arriving at a place called Great Hangman, there he was and has been everywhere had I paid attention... 

For those of you who don't know about the thistle. ..to me it is a symbol of Jamal. I saw them everywhere in the early days, the colours and the plant. Then by chance or fate, I was shown a book of pagan symbols for the days of the year. When I looked up Jamal's birthday...the symbol was the thistle!

To see that at that point lifted me out of my daylong darkness and now having a little solar, felt encouraged to take some more photos to document the day..

It was a long long day physically, mentally and emotionally

 Seeing Combe Martin was a relief -

Arriving was a joy of another kind..firstly

Best chips ever!  And then arriving at the campsite,  being pitched next to dessert...

And breakfast ...:)

Day 4 - Little Switzerland

I stayed in Lynton on day 4 as was feeling a bit unsteady after my experiences and was aching and also needed to regather my purpose. They said it may take a  few days to really get into the trek and doubts would set in.... right, it's not a piece of cake at all....

Lynmouth and Lynton are very beautiful and quirky in their way and I may come back for another visit to little Switzerland. Campsite is great too and importantly pub with wifi next door ;)

Walked a little way around the path to Castle Rock which was very beautiful and also meant would not have to walk that bit tomorrow :)

A couple of German women have camped up at the site and are also walking the coast path but only to Newquay. They are very friendly and down to earth...glad I am no the only crazy female around!!

Thinking, thinking - Combe Martin tomorrow and it's a long and hard one according to the guide. We will see what it brings

Day 2 and 3 - Porlock - Lynmouth

So, a night of horrendous cramps and little sleep, but waking to a bright day, raring to go.

The first part of the day took me over Porlock marshes where I saw a lady picking something. 'Sea samphire for me dinner' she informed me. Thinking I could go some of that for me dinner too I duly bent to pick a handful... Not recommended with half a continent on your back :-P ....but well worth it mmm.

 

So onwards and upwards eh and more up then on as the path rose into the dark wooded cliffs, with often only glimpses of the sea. Up and down the combes and round by Culbone church and into the woods again...

 

A line of bedraggled teenage boys comes clodhopping up the trail...'how far to the church?' ...pleading faces stared with exhaustion. ' Oh not far at all - half a mile or more'  I say to a muttered chorus of the duke of Edinburgh can just get stuffed...

Can't be that bad can it?

More rain, more up and downs and it's getting late. 8.30 and I realize am not going to get off the cliff tonight as the mist rolls in...ooer.

So find a flat bit...not as easy as it sounds on a cliff!  But you help and a relatively safe space behind a bush is secured and the tent goes up finally.

A fitful sleep, but strangely unworried and awake to dry and still.  So up and off early and soon onto grassy, cliffy stuff. Yay. But took one wrong turn and nearly ended up at the lighthouse! Doubled back to find big uphills and just getting near a very windy top and.... woah down comes the fog!Can't see hand in front of face let alone a now grassy path!

I can hear sheep baaing so head towards that and hunker down in a ditch out of the wind til it clears a bit. Scary stuff.

Soon on our way though and what joy and relief to see Lynmouth over the hill!

 

Got sunnier the nearer I got and soon was down on the front with a well earned pint!

Good job coz the campsite was a mile up another steep hill...!

Day 1 - Minehead to Porlock - 13th July 2015

Entering an alternate universe I feel. ..what have I let myself in for????

The drive to Minehead took longer than it should- Roadworks! ! Then rather than follow my directions, Zay decided to switch on her sat nav...cue single track roads, vintage bus belching smoke at 5 miles an hour...'a shorter route' she says ha ha!

Eventually there and finally find the start marker for the path...quick pic as Zay has to rush
back.

At the Starting Post

back and that's it, stranded on the seafront and the only way is up ^^^ :s

And up

And a bit  more up...

Start as you mean to go on eh? Jamal pushing me from behind, it did even out eventually with a few ups and downs. Weather cloudy but dry and magnificent views.

Lovely over the moor at the top then tried to do the scenic detour ( non compulsory) round the headland....oops! gale force winds and a 6 inch path saw me beating a hasty retreat!  

A long descent into Porlock and I arrived at first camp sore, achy and tired but proud of self :)

Thanks boy xx