Walking with Jamal: Day 5... Dark day to Combe Martin

So what to say about this long day? I'd rather not write as it has been a difficult journey. I made the mistake of forgetting to charge my phone... and not much sun meant not much on the solar either so forgive the lack of photos. But this is probably also indicative of the mood of the day.

Stunning surroundings, wildlife and fresh air were mostly overlooked today as the enormity of my feelings threatened to overcome me. I had been concentrating on the logistics and the physical problems of the task and now the emotional and supiritual began to kick in as time and space stretched out.

I am only here because of the tragedy in my life.... and so alone. I have family, friends but their feelings on Jamal's loss are subjective. Many will have stopped grieving and remember fondly and regret his untimely death, so young...no more pain for they. They will have 'moved on'. Not so for those of us who shared his life, who miss him more every day because it is so long since we saw that smile, heard that silly laugh, felt that loving hug and just shared time and talked. All of us who are close to him, have our own journeys in grief and are learning to live our new lives as best we can and it is different for all of us. I can only speak for myself all said and done.

Me, my grief.

My son... I created you, grew your body and carried you inside till you were strong enough to be in the world. I nurtured and fed you, helped you grow strong, nursed you and taught you as best I could. my first born and I loved every inch of you and wanted so much for you. To see you grow and help you overcome those childhood trials and tribulations. You had an unusual childhood but one full of excitement and wonder and you brought joy to so many people. Your friends looked to you, your teachers fell in love with your sunny nature. Nothing phased you and you amazed me continually.

I could not visualize a time you would not be there.

My world has fallen apart and I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I know two years have passed but emotionally it may as well be two minutes. I still can't believe you are gone.. I don't...I won't... there is no peace in that. And what is that all about??? Rest in Peace? that is for old people. That is for people who have had their time and lived a long and full life. Not for you, only at the beginning of your adult journey. Only starting your own little family. A light shining everywhere...don't shut it off please..............

I can wail here on the path where I am alone, I can shout and stamp my feet and cry bitter tears to the universe. It is not fair!! Why?

I can hear you answer that one - Why not?

Because it's not your turn yet...

It seems it is...

Death, that great unknown...it should've been me. I have had so many near misses why not me?...

Not your time... but I'll be waiting ...

I could come now, there is only a couple of feet between me and that final journey. I could do it now...

You know you can't. I am in you. Live for me. I am there...

How am I even here? Living this life that is only a shadow of a life. Living this constant pain. Confusion. Misery. It is a continual fight every day to keep going. Developing ways to keep in control so life can continue. I have a heartshaped cave in my head that I try to keep you in whilst I do the day to day, just so I can cope. There are many layers to my cave and many tunnels lead there, Sometimes I stumble down one by accident when I let down my guard and the dripping of the stalagtites is the tears running down my cheeks. Sometimes I encounter one that is like a chute that sends me hurtling into the depths, to your arms and my despair. I tiptoe round my cave in the day to day, I try to keep it for the times I am able. I dance around the periphery and up and down the tunnels, putting a toe in the cave and out, peeking around the corner, touching briefly and retreating but always coming back to submerge and embrace and feel that all encompassing pain and it is. When I am there there is nothing else... Me and You and grief. That will never end, never should, never can...

This is my day today, so many thoughts in my mind, so many emotions playing a part but I plod on - left, right, up, down, rest a little. Collar bones hurt from the pack, knees ache a bit. It's ok this physical pain, easier to cope with.

So, a dark day to Combe Martin and many hours spent in this kind of contemplation. I was tired and ready to give up and go home, when arriving at a place called Great Hangman, there he was and has been everywhere had I paid attention...

For those of you who don't know about the thistle. ..to me it is a symbol of Jamal. I saw them everywhere in the early days, the colours and the plant. Then by chance or fate, I was shown a book of pagan symbols for the days of the year. When I looked up Jamal's birthday...the symbol was the thistle!

To see that at that point lifted me out of my daylong darkness and now having a little solar, felt encouraged to take some more photos to document the day..